I'm going to do it! I'm going to take the plunge and address one of the big areas of "competition" between moms who stay home and moms who ... for lack of a better term ... work. Don't slay SAHM-ers, I'm not finished yet.So last night was dreadful. My 2 yr. old son who I fondly refer to as Peter Pan not only forgot his fairy dust and crash landed on the concrete but he kept me awake all night with a stomach bug that had me opening windows in between diaper blow outs. I'll spare you the horror. Needless to say, the four hours of sporadic sleep I was able to eek out leaves me with a mind-numbing need for Starbucks. (and air freshener, Lysol, and some hand sanitizer)
Herein lies #1 of the Mom vs. Mom debacle: At least SAHMs get to stay home after a night like last night.
DON'T THROW ROTTEN TOMATOES! I'm not finished.
SAHMs, I'm speaking to you. Please. Help. Me.
We love to compete with our: "well, at least you get to get away from diaper blow outs and go to work" or the, "at least you get to stay in your yoga pants and guzzle coffee without having to don makeup and go to work pretending like you're A+".
The reality is, in either situation, we're both exhausted and we both have to put on an act. Neither of us gets to drink our coffee leisurely and crawl back into bed. We both have to face the music of someone screaming our name over and over. For you, it's the children, for me it's--adults.
Why do I want SAHMs help?
Please help erase the line that we've drawn in the sand. Over the years of validating the SAHM and their critically important role and the WORK they do on a daily basis, sometimes us WOHMs feel like we've been lumped into the group of liberal minded workaholics who's fulfillment is themselves. Therefore, for Work-Outside-the-Home-Moms, we aren't able to go to mom support groups, go online and find helpful articles to reinforce our role as a working mom trying to prioritize their Lord, husband/leader, and children while working to make a living, and we don't get much empathy because hey--we get to do that morning Starbucks run that SAHMs don't. Please help.
Help debunk this ridunkulous line. You work, I work, we all work, on four hours of sleep. It's just like having a different place of employment. It doesn't make the exhaustion, stress, joint-aches, and coffee-consumption any different. And sometimes, SAHMs, we WOHMs could use some encouragement to know you see us as ... a Mom. Not a career woman. Not a woman who is trying to step outside of her husband and wear pants (trust me, doesn't work well, and I'm all about traditional marriage, partnership, and leadership). We need to know that you're there for us, SAHMs. Recognizing that we can't all stay home and invest in our children in the same way. That the single moms who have to work and see their kiddos for 2 hours a day, that the moms of ministry-workers and missionaries sometimes have to help support that by carrying a career, and that we're not all out to live above our means and therefore sacrifice our kids for an affluent, double income home.
Please don't leave us out in the cold. Pray for the WOHMs (and Work-at-home-moms!) at your MOPS meeting today, or as you wipe the vomit from your son's little mouth and know some of us had to leave him with Gramma and it's ripping our own insides out. Band together with us. Validate that we too want to herald the Scripture: "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord".
Together we can do this! We can support each other, pray for each other, validate each other's pains and agonies that, while different, are so very much alike. And hopefully, in the end, our banding together will produce a variety of little personalities being raised to honor and serve the Lord in ways we could never fathom or imagine.
And as I drink my Starbucks, I'll breathe a prayer for you--that at some point as you juggle kids and screams and chores and errands and so on, that your coffee doesn't go cold in the process. Here's to you SAHMs. Be well!
Have any of you felt the mom vs. mom competition? And the mysteries and myths that create a dividing line?
9 comments:
I've never understood this competition. My hat has always been off to single mothers that juggle all the things PLUS make their own money. And moms that go to a "real job?" I don't know how they do it either. I can barely get makeup on the face the general public on a Sunday, let alone maintaining a professional appearance Monday-Friday.
As a SAHM, I know I'm spoiled. My man works hard to afford the luxury of keeping a full time person home to manage the house and kid. I GET TO BE THAT PERSON! And I like it. I'm very thankful I don't have to go hold down a job. The women that CAN do it all are the coolest. I don't know how they do it.
Be encouraged :) You're amazing.
Wait...what's that about our coffee not going cold? You mean...coffee STARTS OUT WARM???? (Haha, I'm kidding. Mostly.)
Good points about banding together--I think MOPS groups praying for WOHMs and finding ways to reach out and encourage WOHMs would be amazing. I think sometimes it's all about our own insecurities--just like WOHMs want encouragement from the SAHMs, sometimes the SAHMs really DO feel like the WAHMs just kind of roll their eyes at our kind of "tired" and secretly think our way is WAY easier. I'm with you; I think it'd be fabulous to admit that they're all equally hard in different ways and on different days and just give up the mommy wars altogether.
Wow, Linsey, as a work-outside-the-home mom, I salute you! for your perspective! (and for sharing it)
I, too, have always been amazed at how single moms do it...seriously, I don't get it! and tons of them are furthering their education on top of the normal home stuff, work, and family! amazing!
Oh and this may be my skewed or selfish perspective, but doesn't it seem like Christians are generally okay with a mom working outside of the home if she's a nurse or a teacher but not any other sort of career? I've always felt/seen that...and I think it stinks!
I just wish I could convince my dh to let me hire a house cleaner! It wouldnt even destress the average day(laundry, dishes, etc) but to not have that list hanging over my head of the non-daily tasks like mop floors, wash windows, sweep cobwebs in our old, unfinished farmhouse basement, that let’s face it are NEVER going to get done! ugh...that would be amazing. I'm hoping that by the time my preschoolers graduate, I'll do those things at least once(ok, maybe more than once for the floors but its been a year and a half since I did more than spot clean sticky spots on our house full of wood so I'm not wishing for weekly or anything)
I’m pretty much overwhelmed at the thought of all the normal cleaning at night (after the kids go to bed of course to avoid even more working mom guilt) and up til wee morning hours as it is, I can’t imagine doing those jobs regularly or doing any hobby type activities at all…and I’m scared to death of the years when kids are involved with extracurriculars!
This "competition" always leaves me feeling a bit baffled! I do not understand why some think that one of these is more important than the others. I recently watched a video on Breast-Feeding moms and Bottle-Feeding moms supporting one another. I think this is a very similar debate. Each family needs to decide what's best for their family and then support one another! Both jobs are incredibly difficult, both jobs are incredibly rewarding, both jobs deserve recognition!
Instead of beating each other up, why don't we work together to make each others jobs just a little bit easier. Do what we can to help each other. Take kids to visit their WOHM's, take Starbucks to that SAHM who just can't get out, babysit for that WAHM so she can get something done!! Find a way to help each other!
Just my 2 cents! Lol
Oh my word...these "mommy wars" just have to go! Don't they!? I've had enough, that's for sure. I'm a SAHM & WAHM (usually only working after the kids are in bed...except some days when homeschool is done for the summer) homeschooler. I wouldn't say that I'm spoiled b/c we make a lot of sacrifices for me to stay home and work at home. It's not better or worse than someone else's decision...but the perfect one for our family needs.
It's just so important for every family to just be confident with their decision and move forward and do our best to not worry about the rude comments...b/c we all get them no matter what our choices are. I am amazed with all that WOHMs and SAHMs and WAHMs accomplish in a given 24 hours...I've seen amazing moms in all categories and I've learned from all categories.
Along with asking for prayer for WOHMs I'd say...just simply offer prayer for ALL moms. It is a huge job and there's never enough time to get everything done.
As far as single moms...hats off. I don't know how they do it. When my husband deployed I had a "taste" of it (which is still not the same thing as a true single mom) and it was just harder, more isolating, and even more exhausting. I definitely will be praying for the single mom, as well.
I can relate to this...having been on both sides in the past year! Blogged on it, too, and I'll say this: It is all hard, just in different ways. I absolutely hate the SAHM acronym when applied to me now...it feels so June Cleaver. I really liked my job, I was doing well, and to an extent, it defined me. Leaving it (and the friends there) was something that was highly personally (highly emotional), required some budget-acrobatics, but in the end, was the brave step God was leading me towards for a bunch of reasons...some that I share openly, some that I don't.
The point: I assume now that all moms love their kids and are making the best decision for the family. That means different things for different people. I've been on both sides, now...the drop-your-sick-kid to someone else and the be stranded-at-home-in-a-never-ending-snowstorm insanity. It is all hard, Moms are superheros, period. I am hoping that this culture war will soon run out of gas! ;)
Thanks for being brave enough to post! You seem like a terrific mom!
Great thoughts and comments you all!! Vicki, I hear your pain about a cleaning service! OH MAN would that be nice. It's so good to hear fellow comrades in arms (FOR children not against them ;). Here's to MOMS today -- from whatever walk of life!
Beautifully put. I'm someone who straddled (still does) the line - as a part-time work-outside-the-home mom, I heard it from both sides! The pure SAHMs sometimes looked at me as if I were suspect, still dipping my toes in the career water - as if I thought being a pure SAHM were "beneath" me. Not true. But the full-time career moms would ask, "You only work part-time??? What's your other job?" When I told them my other job was as a SAHM, I heard, "Gee, that must be nice, getting to sit around all day doing nothing." Nothing, huh? So, I've partially lived both sides, and I've heard the judgment from both sides. Really, ladies?? Drop it. Just drop it. We live in extraordinary times, when women are free to work outside (or inside) the home full-time, part-time, for a season, or not at all. Isn't that wonderful? Let's support each other, commiserate with each other, try to understand each other, and encourage each other.
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